I feel numb [1004B]

I always have these moment where I feel so many emotions that that merge into nothingness and I wonder is something wrong with me? Always trying to fix myself despite the tsunami of emotions that cloud my mind everyday. I think, as a defense mechanism my body makes me feel nothing; that’s why I struggle: to compute, to complete, to communicate.

In my grave emotional state I feel utterly and completely empty and therefore, I feel as if I should stay silent, move less, think more. Most of the time, in doing so I think myself into a depressive state… which I know has you probably like “seek help” and trust me I know but it’s hard finding a black therapist with shitty work benefits. So I try to make the music soothe me, meditate, ask my ancestor for guidance. But there’s only so much you can do in the world.

I don’t feel bad but I don’t feel good. I feel numb. What is that? Below is a poem I wrote when I felt like this. It encapsulated my emotions perfectly because even now I feel like I’m commuting foreign words.

I’m usually able to write based on emotions I feel but as of recently I’ve been empty. Like an avocado with no pit, the earth with no core, I’m empty and aching and I can’t seem to feel. When I went to cry my eye well with tears I know not of and my heart aches with pain I can’t quite articulate and I am empty and barren and numb. I can’t feel anything and it almost makes me wonder who I am; just barely enough to care before briefly retreating and refusing and replacing those emotions I want with the logic I know with the pain that I feel.