The art of being confused and daze [1009B]
Y’all I truly couldn’t tell you what’s going on in life. Sometimes I feel like I’m floating, other times I’m acutely aware of what’s going on. I’ve lost friends, moved into my first apartment, started and ended my dating journey— and honestly, I’m overwhelmed (and underwhelmed ironically). You could say I need a therapist (we’re getting there) but to be quite honest, I feel like I’m just vibing with life.
In my absence I’ve furnished a place that I now call home, written several chapters for books that I’ve published then deleted out of fear, built more houses in the sims then logically necessary to sooth what I can only claim to be a mild shopping addiction (shout out to the people who create mods; without you EA would be a tragedy), and cracked the 200 mark on my poem stash.
The pandemic, and everything else that life throws has just made me feel numb to the world for a short period of time and from that I felt like I started what some may call a healing journey. For a while I thought I was lonely. From losing friends and moving into uncharted territory on my own. But weirdly, in my loneliness I found contempt. Truthfully, it all just seemed a clusterfuck of everything happening at once. Turning 24 and 25, facing a global pandemic, moving into my first apartment, losing people emotionally and spiritually, starting and leaving jobs for my sanity. But I realized this was normal, this was life.
In my youth I never understood why people complained so badly on their twenties as if it was the biggest mystery of life. But so much happens. Family members you look up to grow older and some unfortunately transition; you find and lose love: romantically and platonically; you change, be it subconsciously or not. So much happens that you lose touch with yourself and sometimes reality.
2020 to present felt like a reckoning for realization of self. I realized that I no longer enjoyed cooking and I wasn’t sure if it was because I hadn’t joyfully done it in a while or just because of some psychological reason beyond me but I want to learn again. I realized that dating in this day in age isn’t for me; not because of the subtle nuisance of romantic social interaction but because I’m foolishly in love with love and sometime I feel like people don’t deserve me in my raw state . I realize that I was emotionally codependent on my friendships and that I can only confess this because of my tragic relationship with my family and my need for love and validation.
I cried a lot to get to where I am. And although just existing currently, that’s ok. I’m reintroducing myself to me because I know that my solitude and stability is my sanctuary. And I think right now that’s my biggest accomplishment. I’ve never felt more at peace in myself then I have now. A little confused and a little dazed but I’ve never felt more happy to be me then I have right now.
-jo
Truthfully I don’t know why I wrote this but it seems perfectly fitting for this entry. Being the oxymoron I am, I feel stiflingly invigorated. So we’re just here, hoping to catch onto whatever is going on.
I’m bad at expressing myself because sometimes I feel stuck. Like a impression of the person I wanna be who can’t quite get the language right. Who’s arms don’t move correctly and whose lips never form the right words. I feel foreign in a land I’ve known my whole life. Tired and drunk on poisoned libations that were given to me by enemies of unknown nature. I feel lost, I feel confused. I feel stifled by the shrouds of loneliness that I know don’t really exist. In a crowded room full of strangers I never really knew. I feel inorganically made. As if my skin was a cosmic suit that I hadn’t put into the right body.
