So, its a new year? [2000]
Apologies for my absences but 2021 has been kicking my ass and teaching me lessons I didn’t know I was ready to learn. On my 4 month hiatus I’ve turned 25, moved into my first apartment, started relationships and ended relationships, lost and gained friends, got a new job, fell in and out of love with people and things, lost loved ones and experience enormous grief and mourning all while attempting to understand the woman I am and the woman I’m becoming everyday. Somewhere along the line my depression and anxiety got the best of me and it manifested into radio silence. I deleted my instagrams (several times), I withdrew myself from conversations and relationships, I stop existing in the world other than when I needed to work and rest. I let fear get the best of me. Fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection and honestly I needed to sit with that. I desperately needed to let 2021 be my resting year just to stop and get ready what was going on around me and inside of me. And truthfully I can’t say I’m better now because my growth is not a linear path but I can confidently say I’m better enough to try, to begin to express myself, to let you in to how I’m feeling and what I’m doing and what I desperately need from myself and you. I had no intentions of writing for New Years cause it’s so cliché; but in the wake of a slight wine hangover and this wind that’s whipping against my windows I feel like it’s necessary. I’ve never felt more certain and calm in my existence. I’m no long afraid of letting you in to see me, to know me; so I’ll let you in, even if it’s temporarily.
Happy new year, god bless you, and I truly hope this year heals us all.
-jo
Oh.
Below is one of the many expressions I wrote in my time of distress. I was tired and angry and over it. The vulnerability was becoming a weight that I wanted to throw back at people with a vengeance.
In my reflection and attempt to grow as a person I’ve invited some of you too deeply into my life. You’ve come to think that your perception of me is my reality and I am here to tell you it is not. In trying to attain some semblance of emotional understanding as to why so many people have taken my worn distraught as a sign to chastise and criticize me. Well today I tell you to stop. Stop telling me who I should and shouldn’t be. Stop forming opinions based on the molecular glimpse into my soul that I give you. Stop assessing my actions and thoughts as if it is a spectator sport for you to observe and judge. I am not here for you to tell me how to live. And it’s quite disheartening that my trust so quickly turns to judgement. I’ll give you one final warning and then I’m shutting down. This journey was a waste of time; life was better when no one knew me.
