Introducing Jo

g(H)ood Girls Heal is a manifestation of Me.

I wanted to get to a place where I’m mentally and emotionally accepted by myself. Growing up I always felt like I needed to make myself smaller, less seen & heard, but still strong enough to bare the weight of the world. Now as an adult I’m incredibly lost. I’m fearful of what I can be, terrified of what I am, and desensitized to who I was. Written below is a note from my birthday that I’d written to myself hoping to gain more insight on who I was and honestly I feel like it’s the best representation of Jocelyn in the form that she’s in right now.

I never thought of my birthday as anything special. It had always been a day in the year that would push me closer to adulthood as a child. Then it became a day where I could go and buy alcohol legally be embarrassed. Now it was just a day. It never had much sentiment to me and was devalued even more once my grandmother and aunt passed away. 

But experiencing 2020 taught me something: life is worth living and I’m worth the celebration. For the first time in forever I actually indulged on myself. Not just buying things to fill a void or participating in events so people won’t think I’m soulless but actually celebrating me.

As I ring in my 24th day I feel that I should say what is on my mind. And that simply put is, I am Jocelyn. With the biweekly existential crisis I have and my lack of faith in humanity and myself, I forced myself to pause and reevaluate what it was that I wanted and what I wanted other to get from the experience with me. 

I had this bad bitch quote written for my birthday caption on Instagram but as I sat doing my makeup and watching Maid in Manhattan I realized I just don’t give a fuck. The caption was “The people who mumble your name in private never have the balls to speak in a crowded room” and when I came up with this I thought I came up with absolute fire. I was yelling fuck you to the naysayers, the haters, and the people who doubted me. I was telling my depression and anxiety to go eat a big bowl of fucks. But I realized it wasn’t about any of that. 

It was about me. I needed to stake my claim in my life. I had to become the main character in my own story. Normally I take comfort in being the background character, the supporting sidekick, the therapeutic friend. But I can’t anymore. I’m tired and empty and my cup had nothing left but air from lungs that breath too heavy.